Insight is a great thing at any age. For instance, when I submitted my last book three years ago, I ended up with a staggering forty-four rejections. I was disappointed of course, but I did not curl up into a ball and die. I could never understand how some writers used to get so depressed over rejections and why I did not.
Recently, I found out why. I have been trying to push myself as a writer and it has involved tackling the short story form which I find intimidating. I wrote a piece of fiction and after incorporating some of the suggestions from others who had read it, I sent it off by email to a magazine.
As soon as I hit the send button, I regretted it. Because the nature of the story deals with a sensitive topic, I worried that it would open me up to criticism, or worse, that someone might take offense. Briefly, I thought of withdrawing it, but I took a deep breath and stuck with my decision to send it on. After all, it is just fiction. It was then that I had the enlightening moment that I actually feared success; it would explain how I handled rejection so well.
On further examination, it reminded me of an incident at college twenty plus years ago. I had enrolled for a creative writing course only to be told that registration alone was not enough; you had to “audition” for the course by submitting a sample of your writing. I was of course, delighted when I was chosen, it made me feel validated. However, sadly, in the end, I dropped the class, too afraid of what it meant: that I would have to read my work out loud in front of other people, that my work was not good enough and that I had nothing to write about. The older, wiser me regrets that decision.
I have yet to get any of my books published and I have convinced myself that at least I am writing and doing it consistently. There is a sense of safety in being afraid of success and its consequence of not being published; it wraps you up in anonymity and protects you from criticism, but it will also stunt your growth as a writer. I cannot hide under the drawers of unpublished manuscripts anymore. It is time to push the boundaries a little, take a deep breath and step out of my comfort zone.
Michele Brouder
Michele Brouder, originally from Buffalo, NY, now resides in Ireland. She has been published in Writer's Forum UK and Chat: it's Fate. She writes the blog NOVELISTA, which covers books and writing. She's currently seeking an agent for her YA paranormal novel.
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